Broken And Beautiful

This Week's Essay Theme

2005-05-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

"Most people would rather die than think- and most do"

any suggestions? please? help???

Childish Adults

2005-04-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry Three..ungraded at this time

So I had already written my third journal for this week yesterday, but after today’s circle I thought that I should consider re-writing it. I could not believe today’s circle. I don’t quite understand the exact objective of having the circle, however I do believe that it should at least be in some way related to the class like what we’re learning, how we’re doing, and so on. We did get off on a decent start, trying to discuss our essays that everyone got a D or D– on, and talking about the movie and how it relates. We started talking about what we needed to improve on and tried giving each other helpful hints, but only half of the class was participating. The other half of class was having side conversations about what they were going to do for the weekend. They were also being very disruptive, and loud, laughing at their own jokes. They were hard to ignore, and when that half of the class was addressed, they got defensive and louder. Some people walked out. I really wanted to walk out too, but I didn’t. I was glad I didn’t when I saw you come back to take attendance again. I don’t believe that the people who left are to blame though. I can completely understand their frustration.
After you left again, it only got worse. We started talking about how to make the circle work, with rules and such. Someone suggested using a torch so that people wouldn’t be talking over other people, because it was becoming a really big problem. But a handful of people shot it down saying that they were adults and there was no need to pass around anything. Someone else suggested having a mediator to try and keep the arguing to a minimum. The same handful of people shot that down as well, saying yet again, that it was a childish idea and stupid. Then someone suggested that if people didn’t want to discuss anything that involved the class, and just have their outside conversations they should leave. Then that handful of people got extremely defensive, and began to insult him for telling them what they should do. So the people who actually wanted to discuss class finally just started to talk again, and the others kept to their side conversations. Until someone was talking, about a topic she was sensitive about, and someone laughed because of something funny in their side conversation. When someone asked what was so funny, they were yet again defensive, rude and actually threatened him to shut up. It was horrible. It was rude, inconsiderate and just plain awful.
The whole time, I found myself feeling really disappointed. When I came to TCC I thought one thing that would be different from high school, would be that people come here because they want to learn. Today’s circle proved my wrong. I came here because I want to be here and I want to learn. I do have one long term goal to accomplish and that’s to get myself into Art school, and I felt like they were standing in my way, just like construction workers with their road signs. I can’t figure out why these particular handful of people are here. I just can not find a logical reason. I don’t understand why their wasting their time, as well as my time, to take up seat space and be disrespectful. They treat the class as though we’re still in a high school environment, and have no respect for anyone else. It makes me really angry. I do wish I had done something more then what I did. I did try to speak up when we were discussing the movie and the essays, and I got involved with trying to create rules. When it became a contest of who could talk over who, I just put my head down in frustration. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would just scream. I felt personally insulted, and threatened, even though I wasn’t the person they were threatening.
I don’t know what I can do about this either, because I think to make the circle better, to keep it on topic and in focus, it will take everyone as opposed to just one or in today’s case, three people to make it work. Because that’s how many people kept trying to take charge and continued to be shot down, even though half of the class was supporting them. It just made me so angry the way they were being treated. It made me angry that there are people trying to get in the way of what we were suppose to be doing. I can’t look forward to the weekly circle what so ever. I already feel uncomfortable because I’ve never felt comfortable discussing anything with people I don’t really know, just as I cant stand up in front of a class and feel comfortable giving a presentation. Now I feel I’m really lacking a comfortable and safe environment. When I say safe, I mean safe in the sense of being able to talk about all topics, without being shot down, laughed at, or even judged. I don’t know if it’s possible to come up with a strategy to fix this problem. I don’t know if I can feel comfortable around these people anymore. I don’t know how to make them stop wasting my time, because the attempts made today failed. I love coming to class, and I really do look forward to coming. I feel I’m getting a lot out of your class and I don’t want to miss anything.
I haven’t decided if this is going to be the journal entry I turn in, I think I might be complaining a little too much. But I do think the problem of the circle needs to be addressed, in a less childish manner.

Frist will say Democrats block ‘people of faith’

2005-04-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK; The New York Times

WASHINGTON – As the Senate heads toward a showdown over the rules governing judicial confirmations, Sen. Bill Frist, the majority leader, has agreed to join prominent Christian conservatives in a telecast portraying Democrats as “against people of faith” for blocking President Bush’s nominees.
Fliers for the telecast, organized by the Family Research Council and scheduled to originate at a Kentucky megachurch the evening of April 24, call the day “Justice Sunday” and depict a young man holding a Bible in one hand and a gavel in the other. Under the heading “the Filibuster Against People of Faith,” the flier reads: “The filibuster was once abused to protect racial bias, and it is now being used against people of faith.”

Organizers say they hope to reach an audience of more than a million people by distributing the telecast to churches around the country, over the Internet, and over Christian television and radio networks and stations that have agreed to participate.

Frist’s spokesman said the senator’s speech in the telecast will reflect his previous remarks on the subject of judicial appointments. In the past he has consistently balanced a determination “not to yield” on the president’s nominees with simultaneous appeals to the Democrats for compromise. He has distanced himself from the statements of others such as the House majority leader, Tom DeLay, who has attacked the courts, saying they are too liberal, “run amok” or hostile to Christianity.

The telecast, however, will put Frist in a different context.

Asked about Frist’s participation that describes the filibuster “as against people of faith,” his spokesman, Bob Stevenson, did not answer the question directly. “Senator Frist is doing everything he can to ensure judicial nominees are treated fairly,” he said.

Conscience clauses open dangerous door

2005-04-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

ELLEN GOODMAN; THE BOSTON GLOBE

BOSTON – To begin with, I don’t believe that anyone should be compelled to do work they regard as unethical. History is full of heroes who rebelliously followed their consciences. It’s also full of people who shamefully followed orders.
For that matter, I believe that companies and institutions should have a code of ethics. What is the alternative to corporate responsibility and public morality? Enron?

So I approach the subject of conscience clauses rather gingerly.

The very first such laws offered an exemption for doctors in 47 states who don’t want to perform abortions on moral grounds. That seems to me a matter of common decency. Doctors are not automatons who leave their beliefs at the operating room door.

It also seems like common sense. Who would want their abortion performed by an opponent?

Gradually however, we have had the incredibly expanding conscience clause. In 10 states, health care professionals can conscientiously refuse to provide contraceptives. In 12 states, they can refuse to do sterilizations.

Indeed, last year the government decided that entire hospitals and HMOs had the right to deny these services without losing federal funding. Never mind that it is not clear who owns the conscience of a hospital: A church hierarchy? A board of directors? The doctors? The community? Or the taxpayers who foot the hospital bills?

Now, we have gone even further. Conscience clauses are being proposed to protect professionals who refuse to follow end-of-life directives and refuse to use treatments from stem cell research. Most notably, we have bills in a dozen states to include pharmacists who won’t fill a prescription.

It’s the pharmacists who are getting the most attention right now. In just six months, there were about 180 reports of pharmacists who said no. One refused to fill a college student’s birth-control prescription. Another refused medication to a woman who had suffered a miscarriage.

This has led to a counter bill in California that would make pharmacists tell employers of their objections in advance and be prepared to make referrals. It’s led to a rule by the Illinois governor that every pharmacy – though not every pharmacist – must fill prescriptions, “No delays. No hassles. No lectures.”

Karen Brauer, who heads a group called Pharmacists for Life that claims 1,600 members, compares them to “conscientious objectors.” But it isn’t that simple.

The pharmacist who refuses emergency contraception is not just following his moral code, he’s trumping the moral beliefs of the doctor and the patient.

“If you open the door to this, I don’t see any place to draw a line,” says Anita Allen, law professor at the University of Pennsylvania and author of “The New Ethics.” If the pharmacist is officially sanctioned as the moral arbiter of the drugstore, does he then ask the customer whether the pills are for cramps or contraception? If he’s parsing his conscience with each prescription, can he ask if the morning-after pill is for carelessness or rape? For that matter, can his conscience be the guide to second-guessing Ritalin as well as Viagra?

How much further do we want to expand the reach of the individual conscience? Does the person at the checkout counter have an equal right to refuse to sell condoms? Does the bus driver have a right to refuse to let off customers in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic?

Yes, we want people to have a strong moral compass. But they have to coexist with others whose compasses point in another direction. In the debate over conscience clauses, Frances Kissling of Catholics for a Free Choice says properly, “There is very little recognition that the conscience of the woman is as important, let alone more important, than the conscience of the provider.”

Pharmacists don’t have the same claim to refuse filling a prescription as a doctor has to refuse performing an abortion. But there are other ways to exercise a private conscience clause. Indeed, in a conflict between your job and your ethics, you can quit. It happens every day.

When Thoreau refused to pay taxes as a war protest, remember, he went to jail. What the pharmacists and others are asking for is conscience without consequence. The plea to protect their conscience is a thinly veiled ploy for conquest.

This is not easy stuff. But in the culture wars we have become awfully enamored of moral stances. Have we forgotten that what holds us together is the other lowly virtue: minding your own business?

To each his own conscience. But the drugstore is not an altar. The last time I looked, the pharmacist’s license did not include the right to dispense morality.

Ellen Goodman is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Boston Globe and can be contacted at ellengoodman@globe.com.

Journal Entry 1

2005-04-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Very Good Advice
the tiny bold print in the entry is Phil's notes.

This week has been interesting. I was expecting to come into the class and have it be similar to something like Wendy’s class last quarter. I was very surprised and excited to find it was the exact opposite. Before coming into the class I set goals for myself, gave myself guidelines to help me do better this quarter. I had to throw away those goals and create new ones.
Wonderful! what were they and what are they now?
This week, when we spoke about first impressions, I was disappointed, because I don’t think I gave a very good first impression. My first essay didn’t meet the standards and I haven’t been able to bring myself to speak up in class. so what do you plan to do to "fix" this? Everyday before I even step foot in the classroom I write down goals for the day, and try to follow them as best I can. what were some of them? how did you do? what worked and what didnt? All through last week I wrote I wanted to participate in class more. And it was the only goal I didn’t accomplish last week. Being in the circle on Friday was a very big struggle for me and I don’t think I will be looking forward to having them every week. Even though I almost always have an opinion on every discussion we had, in and out of the circle, I still have not gotten up the nerve to speak.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about “what do I want” and I keep referring to the excerpt from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, which is my all time favorite book. I realized I honestly don’t have any long term goals. Wow! what are you going to do about this? I can’t get myself to think that far ahead. I’ve made goals for myself such as being one of the remaining 10, do all my homework, and make it to class everyday. I was able to make it to class everyday last week, which was actually a bit of a struggle in the middle of the week because I wasn’t feeling very good. what strategy did you use? But it is an improvement since high school. My attendance was terrible. I did also do all the assigned homework last week except for Thursday night due to circumstances. I didn’t like the feeling of being behind in my outline, or getting started on my Life Learning Map. The next day I felt bad about it and I felt like I was falling behind, just by missing 24 pages. It’s a goal to never let that happen again. I’m trying to learn how to keep my personal life/issues separate from school. I think this could be my biggest struggle of all. The only thing I can think to do is make school my first priority, and find better ways to deal with outside situations. I want to leave any worries or concerns about whatever is going on, outside of the door when I step into class.
This week I felt I did alright. I would give myself a three for the whole week. I want to do better and leave a better impression of myself for everyone else. I want to do all my homework assigned to me every night. So what is your plan? Have you established a calander? I’ve managed to set aside two hours every night once I get home from school, and I usually have a good three hours to wait after class before I go home. I’ve been trying to work on my homework then, instead of going in the library on the computers or just hanging out. I’m trying to manage my time better. I’m hoping to do better in the coming weeks then I did this week. I will not let myself fall behind.
I’ve already gotten a head start on my community service, and I’m looking for somewhere I can go after school and put in hours. I learned last quarter that I can’t wait with these projects and I’ve been doing my research. I’ve also gotten started putting my portfolio together, just getting thing organized, even though I’m afraid it going to be too thin.
I do admit I haven’t been enjoying going over the “7 Habits” book again. I took notes last quarter but not enough to really count. So I’ve been going through it and trying to make a better outline, but I haven’t been very excited about doing it. It reminds me of a self help book which my relatives used to like to tell I had to read. I do think it has good information, about centers and paradigms, but having already read through it, every time I pick it up to work on my outline I groan. However I do enjoy the discussions about it. They are much more in depth and much more interesting this time around.
I think this week one of my goals will be not to compare this quarter to last quarter. This class is completely different from the class I attended before. I’m more excited when I come to class because I know I’ll be working on something. I’ve actually been excited about all the work we’ve been doing. I’m really enjoying the Life Learning Map. Not that it is easy. I like its setup this time much better, but I feel it gets a little too personal, and I’m not looking forward to sharing it with the class. I have been enjoying working on it though. It’s weird to think of certain ‘incidents’ as learning experiences, and thinking about how I can make a learning shift based on them. are there ways to determine a "plan"- a "strategy" that offers other people a way to suceed and that doesnt divulge [his handwriting is horrible, so i can't tell what that word is.] personal events?
So overall, I’m just setting more goals for myself. I’m being organized with my work, and consistent with my homework. I know I need to work hard and put all my efforts in to be one of the remaining ten and to pass this class. I’m going to stay focused and force myself to come to school even when I don’t feel like it or feel well. I think if I can block all my negative thoughts, and doubts, or if I can rid myself of them completely, I think I will as well a I want to.
This week I’m hoping to at least leaving a good lasting impression to make up for my failed first impression. I’m making it a goal to get out of my comfort zone and speak up or join in discussions. I want to leave class everyday and rate myself as a five, I want to exceed the standards and be proud of the work I’ve done. I think I decent daily goals that I will be able to follow as long as I give it my best effort. I know if can I just keep up with my goals I will be one of the remaining ten in the class and I will pass this quarter. As said in the pages of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by the genius Lewis Carroll, “I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it” This is something I want to work on as well.
You need to narrow down your focus. this is very good for you to examine but for this assignment you need to be more limited on your topic- more specific in your detail of your strategy.
i got a check on this assignment. the grading scale is check plus, check, check minus, and no credit.

The Muse Begins Elsewhere

2005-04-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

This Blog is going to waste just sitting here. may as well fill it with Nonesense.

`They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him:
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true):
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.'

Alice's Evidence- Alices Adventues in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

i love you damnit. its all turned to gibberish

2005-03-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

i miss him. i miss him a lot. i'm going to miss him even more when he goes. i'm in a mood. i want him to understand it will pass. and i will be fine again soon. i wont be 'clingy' or have 'separation anxiety'. i just miss him. i miss seeing to him, talking to him, being with him, 'being with him', sleeping with him, 'sleeping with him', hanging out with him.
but he has his phases. hes constantly there, constantly with me and then hes not. he has his priorities. i'm just a selfish bitchy moody person. maybe once i'm off the shot it'll be better.
and hes always so tired. i wish i could do something for him. i really do.

Dream
I lay awake everynight,
still dreaming of you.
i can still feel you,
your touch, your warmth,
your body against my body,
your lips against my lips
your heart against my heart.
i lay awake everynight,
before i'm ready to fall into a dreamless slumber,
and imagine you beside me.
curled up close to you,
holding your hand in mine,
never wanting to let you go.
i lay awake everynight,
and just as i close my eyes tight,
and let out a breath
i whisper 'i love you'
and dream you whisper back,
before darkness come,
and a dreamless sleep i have.

but i'm always dreaming of you.

In all honesty..

2005-02-22T23:27:00.000-08:00

hello.
i dont think this journal is read as much as my other one, ironicly, and i just need to talk.
so i havent been feeling like myself or well the last few days. i think i am getting sick, with my stuffy nose and horrible headaches and i-want-to-die stomaches and all. but i'm also just very moody. theres no real reason and yet plenty. thats usually the story isnt it?
the thing is i dont feel like complaining. i hate complaining, i always feel so selfish when i complain. and of course i'll do it anyway. i'm just feeling so out of it. i dont feel right. i'm tired. i havent been able to sleep very well. and not because of dreams or nightmares but just because i'm very restless at night. i keep going to bed with almost migraines, and just stare at my very dark ceiling and think. until i finally pass out, and wake up with a tiny thudding headache.
i'm trying not to be dissappointed, i really am. it kind of feels like i was floating on this happy cloud and then the cloud was pulled from under me. the descion was for the better. its better if i stay home for another year or two or so. but after trying so hard to convince me for two or three days to move out with him, and i said yes and then it just evaportated. but thats okay. its better.
it might be better if nick would lighten up on all his work hours. i still never see him, even if he though he isnt moving out or buying a house. i'm also trying not to be dissappionted that he wont be here on my birthday, because that is sad. and i really hate to complain about it because i dont feel like i have the right. it makes me feel needy and dependent and i dont like feeling that way. and i'm not, not always.occasionally i can get needy but doesnt everyone at sometime?
i havent accomplished what i set out to accomplish either. and that dissappionts me, as well as everyone else. i have yet again failed. i still stuck in the same sickening cycle.
perhaps this is why i cant sleep. lol.
but things are good in other senses as well. with nick working so much i find myself loving, and appriciating the time i do get with him even more. i've made friends, real friends, whom i trust and like. its nice to have friends i like. their so limited. and catrina may even be here around my birthday if she makes state, which would be the most wonderful thing. and i am loving my 18th b-day present from nick, even though i dont get to spend as much time out with the horses as i'd like. and i'm reading as much as i used too, which is very cool. i cant put Anne Bishop's books down and once i finish re-reading this series i'll be out of her books, which will be sad but i'll be moving on to ...something. i do have Ariel, a collection of poems by Sylvia Plath i've been reading on and off. very very interesting, that womans writing is.
so yeah. i'm just sad right now. very moody. i really think it has something to do with me slowly but surely getting sick. i become moody when i'm sick and therefore can become sad, when i dont need to be. but its okay because when i feel better it will pass and life will go on as normal and things will brighten up, like the absolute wonderful weather!

long time

2005-02-13T16:58:00.001-08:00

havent updated here lately. i got a new email address because my aol email isnt working, so if you want to email me, email me at: phantomssillymuse@hotmail.com
so yeah, not too much is new and lots is new. today i found out in a few weeks i'm going house searching. well not nessisarily "House" searching, but searching for where i'm going to be living with nick. i'm excited. really really excited.
but i am kind of sad because nick is working tomorrow on valintines day. nick is always working all of a sudden to save up for moving out. but its still sad every now and then. but we're going to celebrate valintines day Friday. that'll be cool.
growl my computer sucks. royally.

i hope everything will be okay

2005-02-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

Lindsey had her baby early, early yesterday morning [Febuary 4th] Hes 8 pounds, 14 ounces, i believe. Shaun Pender Mckinny.
Apparently Lindsey had a really hard time.she'd been having contractions for almost a full day and was in actual labor and pushing for four hours. she also wanted to have an "all natural birth" without drugs and being cut and such. and that just didnt go so well. He had a hard time breathing at first and they both had from a low grade fever.
Today, Lindsey is suffering from postpartum depression. shes really depressed and emotional and wont even hold the baby, not that she can now anyway. he was put into intensive care, because theres something wrong with his heart, but i dont know exactly what.

last entry, i swear

2005-02-01T22:40:00.000-08:00

so yeah. i have more to say. whos surprised? so yeah, dont think nick knows how much he upset me last night. and i'm not surprised. a bit agitated. but not surprised. hes acting like its really no big deal so far, which is bullshit. but hes okay and thats all that matters to me. it'd be kind of nice if he didnt get out though. but its not like i get a say in where he'd go anyway.
god i want to hit tiffany. for someone who claims the responsible adult she cant even take responsibitly. she mixed the fucking drinks for christs sake.
well on a happy note i'm feeling 99% better. now i going to sleep and wake up happy. this is my goal.
Goodnight, and thank you for putting up with all my bitching, here and there

2005-02-01T18:06:00.000-08:00

well just thirty minutes to go then i can go home :)
i got some sleep, i crashed on the couch near the door in library for a while. i needed some sleep desparetly bad. now i'm feeling a lot better although not completely but much better. my stomach/cramps are finally easing up on me too.
i've decided to get off the shot. i'm considering going on the patch. i need a normal monthly cycle so it doesnt get all bunched up [emotions and everything else |: lol] and then when it cant be held any longer it dwells with me for like two days and then goes away again. i want my normal monthly cycle back damnit. and i want to get rid of some of my horrid constant growing weight. of course, getting off the shot wont suddenly make it go away but its a nice start, yeah?

bad

2005-02-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

it was all bad. very bad. and now i'm an emotion wreck who cant calm down and get under control..
god i feel like crap. i wish last night just hadnt happened. but everything will be fine. i'm on an emotional peak anyway.
blah.

Sigh

2005-01-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

So I'm feeling kind of agitated. Ever have one of those days where it felt like everyone was ignoring you? Yeah, that was me yesterday. And my dad is always so unpleasant before going to New York. But he's gone, for a whole week. yay.
The weekend was interesting. Nick certainly surprised me. And Friday night was fun, even though it didn't seem to work out quite as well for Andrea and Dusty, I feel bad they didn't have a good time. It was cool though. Although the next day I had a headache similar to a hang over when I hadn't taken anything or had anything but water to drink. It was weird.
so nothing new here. Not going to school today due to my mom and because "technology happens". I'm not complaining. I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm completely exhausted. i dont think i've had such bad night since before catrina came in december.
but its all good. Ralph left the gate wide open this morning so stretch took a walk. fucking jackass. we're so lucky they all didnt get out. because the gate was left wide fucking open. the nice old lady called me this morning and i got to rush out. but all is well now.
alright well i'm going now. have to buy ink for the printer.

link
link

Time Makes you older....

2005-01-26T17:05:00.000-08:00

more smashing pumpkins. Rotton Apples Rocks!!!

so i did my one minute presentation on cutting. it went well. i felt unbelievably uncomfortable talking about it though. this fucking floppy wont take my whole project. peice of shit. i'm freaking out. i dont know what to do.
Take a look:
U2- 4/24/05- Key Arena- tickets not avalible yet
but i cant beg my dad to take me, he'll be in Spain. ::grumble::
but i'm feeling a little better too. kind of. like my nose is clearer and my throat hurts less, but my stomach, and my head still hurt.
so yeah, going now

........

2005-01-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

i would just like to point out the lack of comments for me is usually dissappionting.

so yeah. i'm not feeling too great. i havent decided if its just my allergies acting up or if its a full blown cold. either way i'm forcing myself to feel better for friday. i'm also feeling really stressed out. not so much about my powerpoint project, because if i just get a decent grade on that i'll get a B. what i'm worried about is My Community Service project. i've got to find something to do for six hours in a matter of two/three days. i'll probably spend some of friday morning on it. and then Monday morning go in SUPER early to make the powerpoint. the paper i can do here from Home. blah. but all is well i suppose.
i'm going to update my other blog now.

Hello

2005-01-23T17:16:00.000-08:00

Just a short post but figured i'd update. got to go out for a little bit, saw the Forgotten. the nick had to work and i had to come home and help 'clean'. i spent all morning helping them clean. i dont like cleaning. otherwise i would've gone out with andrea for pizza.
everyone here is in a bad mood. and i'm dying from killer-fucking-cramps. but i shall live.
feeling kind of blah today. wish i had stayed in bed kind of day. but i did get to see nick, which is sadly unusual. between our schedules we only see eachother on the weekends now. but we have a healthier relationship because of it. lol. less fighting which is cool.
anyway i have to go downstairs now and spend some time with my family.
bye bye

i should be in bed

2005-01-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

i should be in bed where i will dwell on things that need no dwelling and let my mind become a jumble of many things until i eventually fall asleep to pretty dreams. and then i'll wake up, and hopefully have a nice day, with less chores then today and more friendly faces, of course i'm thinking of one inparticular at the moment, but any friendly face is nice. farewell and sweet dreams to the world.

i'm super tired. :)

A Relaxing Day

2005-01-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

So, i've started my livejournal up again but this time as a friends only. so if you want to be able to read it, because it will be different from here from time to time, you should leave me a comment [make a user name if you dont have one] and i'll add you. if i like you. lol.
can be found here
So, yesterday was cool. school was good, Wendy let us out almost an hour early, so i hung out with Andrea, Amber, Nikki and Nate until Nick came to get me. we went across the street and stood around starbucks before deciding to go to the dollar store. it was a fun way to make the time go by. then i came home, took care of the horses,and spent a little quality time with nick before going back to TCC for the Drag Show. i was sad Amber couldnt make it but we met up with Andrea, her boyfriend Dusty, Nikki and her mom. The drag show was so awsome. and i finally took nick out on an origonal date. :) so yeah, after the drag show Nick and I went with Andrea and Dusty to the arcade. I discovered Nick is a pretty fast learner when he figured out Dance Dance Revolution. they have a nice arcade, like really nice compared to south hill mall's arcade. then we went for Slurpies. lol. always exciting, usually a daily summer thing but still cool. we also saw Andrea's and Dusty's apartment. which is nice. god what i wouldnt give to move out.
today wasnt a bad day either, with the exception that the DirectTV people woke me up because they came early to fix the tv. rude. but then i got all the ironing done, while watching General Hospital. you know i was just telling nick yesterday that after four months of nothing better to do and watching ABC's soaps everyday and suddenly starting school and not seeing them for three straight weeks, i was having withdrawls. lol. i've become beyond addicted. but happily Soapnet is showing General Hospital now on saturdays! YAY! i did a few more things around the house too. thought alot about what wendy said, about how we procrastinate and how we feel about it. i do it all the time and feel quite content sometimes doing it. i'm a bad person huh?
gotta go feed horses now. buh bye

Wow..

2005-01-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

who would have thought it. i have friends. i have a group of five friends, myself included. Andrea, Amber, Kristina and Nicole. i'm amazed. and tomorrow night i'm going to Drag Night with them, hoping bringing nick with me but if not i'm still going.
so yeah things are going okay. and on that note i really have nothing to say. i'm tired.
bye bye

Hello..

2005-01-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

So, today was much better in terms of school. I have a group of four friends now. I spoke was called on today and got to talk about my horses and how their a priority. Oh and god help me, found out that my teacher owns and always has owned Cavalier king Charles Spaniels. That's what kind of puppy she has. She says she'll never own another breed. ::rolls eyes::
went out and brushed down Jedi today, then touched a little on his leading problem, because hes horrid on a leadline. and hes very afraid of stretch. got to see nick, which is always nice.
might go see a movie later with my mom.
so yeah, this is a short update. i've spent a long time a) researching b) website fixing.
so i'm gonna go now and try and find somewhere to take a nap or read my book.
goodbye

go look here..her pictures, most of them, are AMAZING.
click

What a Rambling Idiot i make..

2005-01-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

so after reading this entry over, i decided i sound like a rambling idiot and not only confused others but i couldnt really understand the entry well either. so i'm editing.
So, i have a boy. my very own baby boy. got him at the auction. hes my birthday present. :) Hes an absolute sweetheart. his name is Jedi. sadly however, Stretch does not seem to be taking to him too well.
and i had a really great weekend. spent it with nick. it was really nice. we went out to dinner and hung out on friday. then we went to the auction and hung out on saturday. it was really fun.
So yeah, today is the first day i didnt want to come to school. just dont really feel like being here. want to go back to bed. but here i am. looking up my Community service project. might have actually found somewhere to go. hurray for me.
alright well thats it. leaving now.
bye bye

knew i'd be back

2005-01-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

just sooner then i thought. i'm trying to calm down. the sweet deaf Dorothy Moss next door to Liz's called me during class to leave me a message that a horse is out. i called her back to find out it was the Dancer. so she said she was going to get her neighbor and they where going to try and catch him. Nick then called to tell me he was running late so i was able to tell him to get over there. the nice old lady just called me back to tell me hes hurt on the side. but nicks arrived.
very long growl.
so now what? she said it looks like he must've jumped the fence and hurt himself because theres no break in the fence. i'll find out when nick gets here. which i dont know when that will be now. so i dont know how long i should wait in the warmth over here. i just hope hes okay. but what the hell are we going to do so it doesnt happen again?
i'm leaving now. i'm going to do research and then go and freeze my ass off waiting for nick. bye

Happy Friday!

2005-01-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

well, i probably wont be updating till monday. my computer wont turn on :| EVIL. but its all good. life is currently quite nice. things are good. saw Meet the Fockers..very funny. also saw Wicker Park, one of the best movies in the world. i absolutly loved it, as nick very well knew. it turned out to be very twisted, well thought out, and wonderful.
anyways, today i'm going out, tomorrow i'm going out and then i'll dedicate my time on sunday to school work, which is going well by the way.
i have nothing to complain about at this time. i'm sure when i return on monday there will be something to bitch about. but since i have nothing now, i'm going to class.
buh bye

also, its sad that even though anyone can post a comment the great, wonderful, darling V is the only one who leaves me comments. :( of course, catrina has an excuse. but still.

okay

2005-01-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

so here i am. waiting to go to class. when i get out of class i will return to the computer for about an hour and a half then i will make me way to easing my nerves and then whether i'm eased or not go to the movies. and then i will offically have no money left. will have to beg another twenty dollars off my mom for friday. should be fun.
now i have to go to therapy class. i'll be back.
bye bye

also, made it so ANYONE can post comments. so i expect to see some comments now.

Hello

2005-01-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

well i guess the advantage of having access to a fast responding computer for four to five hours a day is that it makes updating things much easier. the new layout for Works of Crap i now up.
Anyway, the "S" on this keyboard sucks. really bad.
god my mouth hurts. everytime i close my mouth, i'm pinching the sore and when i open my mouth it stretchs. :( it hurts really bad.
i'm here until 5:30 today then i'm going on my moms last drive with her just because. then off to feed the horses and home around what? 7? blah. i donnt want to do this everyday. oh well. i am enjoying school though. i've made a genuine friend too. awsome huh? shes really easy to talk to.
blah. i got permision to stay out till 2 on friday night. thats kind of cool. it'd be better if my dad wasnt so ridiculous about me being out. but whatever.
Saw Gothica for the first time last night. didnt like it. i also saw Along came Polly the other day. that was cute.
atleast theres an upside to being here for hours on end, i can get productive things done, i'm doing something more then watching soaps and movies and i'm eating less because i cant afford food.
isnt it amazing how fast my money disappears when i let my parents borrow it? its all gone now :(
so my nerves are better today. i'm not feeling quite as ill about things. which is cool.
basically all is well with me. and thats about it.

always updating from school now

2005-01-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

got out of computer class early, so came in here. i dont feel well. and i'm very tired. but what else is new. friday night i may be going into seattle. maybe. i hope too. i just dont know if i can stay out as late as i'm being told i have to if i go. so therefore, i may not go. god i'm feeling drained.
but anyway, things are well. i'm just tired. horses are doing better. things are good. everyone is fine, breathing and well.
i'm leaving now because i clearly have nothing to say. lol.

School Again

2005-01-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

well i'm in school. just got out of class. i'll be here till my mom gets out. blah. i'll hopefuly be seeing catrina tonight, if the roads arent too frozen.i'm so tired. i had shitty dream last night, so i didnt sleep well. i just spent the last half hour trying to stay awake :
so yeah, i'm thinking about finding somewhere to curl up and sleep.
bye bye

if u dont want to comment, email me. i never get emails anymore anyway

Well I'm back

2005-01-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

so i'm still here. should be leaving in twenty minutes or so. i talked to catrina, who is upset, kind of. talked to nick, whos annoyed with me. but what else am i suppose to do. you know i should've never have bought a horse i cant afford. it would break my heart to sell holly now but i should've never gotten her in the first place. i'm tired of my relationship with my mother hitting the fan, arguing with nick. i'm just sick and tired of it. tired tired tired. he wants me to go out there to feed them when he's suppose to do it. i get screamed at if i do and the cold shoulder if i dont. its like their making me choose a side to be on, side with nick or side with my mom. and usually i do side with nick, i get defensive for nick as told by catrina who bonded with my mom this last visit. but hell, i already got into one scream fest about the horses today, why not aggervate nick too? god i could scream. i should've never bought a horse i couldnt afford. i cant keep picking the extensive, hurtful screaming over the aggervated cold shoulder and visa versa. i can not. i will not. i will scream. lol. well, believe it or not, the ranting is helping somewhat. doesnt solve my problem but i feel better. my mom and nick dont, but i do. ::loud long sigh::
I need to get a ride to the Auburn Best Western Hotel tomorrow night. catrina is coming for a debate tournament. i need to be there. i may get there late but i'll get there. i'll have my mom drive me afterwork. she'll do it. she likes catrina, they bonded.
i hope catrina is okay. it freaks me out when theres something wrong and she wont, let it out. but who am i to say anything, i'm a hypocrite. lol.
on the bright side, im enjoying school. and hanging around campus isnt so bad. its lonley, and kind of boring but not too bad.
sigh. i think i'm going to go again. smart me, i brought my diary. i think i go write in that.
buh bye

Here i am

2005-01-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

in school. hanging out the library until six o'clock. i would've taken the bus but my mom would be getting out by the time i got home, and whats the point in that? so yeah, here i am. kind of bored.
school is going good, today was good. it was cool too because nick picked me up yesterday, and i got to spend some time with him.
this library is nice, its really big. and very quiet. lol. kind of creeps me out.
anyway, skydancer is feeling better, and the cut under his neck is healing slow but well. Stretch and Holly are worse then he was though. they really really dont feel well. but today is day one of the shot rotation. joy. stretch doesnt even flitch, at all. he didnt move at all when we stuck him with it today. i feel bad for him. and the hose is broken. really really broken. we had to take buckets and run them up and down to fill the water things. it sucked and it was icey cold. everything will be better in spring time. :)
so things are well, currently i'm very bored, but good. miss catrina. miss nick too knowing i wont be seeing him very often. my schedule kind of sucks in the sense that now my time with nick is even more limited. but good in the sense that i'm very much awake when i get here.
i watched Father of the Bride: Part Two last night for the first time. timing was quite off after the "maceroni salad craving talk" lol. but its a really funny movie. i think i may have even liked it better then the first.
clearly i have nothing important to say, as you can very well see, so i shall leave now.
bye bye
love you

End of the Day

2005-01-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

So, school is cool and new. its all ecviting. i dont actually have anything to say tho. didnt reconize leather jacket guy, so there was no leeching. not that i was really going to leech, but now i have an excuse. lol.
so heres my schedule: Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays i have a computer class from 12:30 till 1:10. Then from 1:30 till 3:10/3:15? i have fresh start. on wensdays and fridays i go in at 1:30 and leave after 3. Pretty sweet if you ask me.
i'm hoping i'll get to see nick tomorrow, hes not working. but i still havent gotten a bus pass and even if i take the bus i wont get home untill like 5:30. blah. tomorrow tho before school i'm going to get my bus pass :( oh well.
so yeah, guess thats it.

i just liked these answers :) quizes fun

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	Meant for eachother
Your meeting was by	Destiny
They are your	Best Friend
You are their	Shining star
Your love will	Never end

Quiz created with MemeGen!

The Day is Finally Here...

2005-01-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, today is the day. i'm finally starting school. its about time isnt it? that means no more having nothing to do. even though i'm only there, for three and half hours, on long days, i'll still have homework or studying or somthing. yay. ::does happy dance:: i sound crazy or like i'm on drugs dont i? oh well.
So I'm sad catrina is gone. and i feel HORRIBLE that she didnt get on the first flight. its all because we wanted to stay up all night and took a nap too close to the time. : but it was fun while she was here. of course i also feel HORRIBLE because i dont think she had such a good time. All the emotional, intense talks i had with nick while she was here..they where nessisary but bad timing. And i dont think she had any fun at new years. like i know it was horrid as she expected but it still wasnt fun. i was absolutly OVERJOYED about being out of the house, i really was. and i got fairly smashed too, which i was also happy about, and i was having fun until about after midnight, or maybe it was before. it was the bathroom talk that set it for down hill. but no one got killed and that was nice.
so yeah, i feel bad because catrina didnt really have a good time. got to see evie though. that was awsome. even if it was only for two days. and i absolutly hate sending them home. taking catrina to the airport is never fun, and i felt really bad about her missing that flight. and then when evie's mom came, as always shes got tears in her eyes. but as the first surprise of the day yesterday, when marla came, she had Ashley with her. who has grown over 6 ft, and has a very tiny waist. but that was cool, it made letting evie go home easier.
and my last, and perfect surprise of the day came from nick, and it was a wonderful perfect surprise. made the rest of my day go by much easier. my parents where all yelling, screaming and cursing yesterday. but it didnt matter, my surprise made it worth it.
and he called me last night at 12:30 i think it was and we spent twenty minutes just talking on the phone. on the phone, i couldnt believe it. it was nice. i like talking to him, on the phone and in person. lol. i dont expect it will happen quite as much on the phone, he hates the phone. but we have been talking a lot. and i like that.
okay i'm done nonesense rambling. must go.
i'll update later again today or tomorrow.
love you.
bye bye

so.

2004-12-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

whats left to say. not much is seems. so much was said last night. my eyes are achey and sore and tired
so catrina is here. yay. amazingly it was a emotional first night. lots of crying and not sleeping. went to sleep at four, she woke me up at 8:30, damn her. the cruelty....
but yeah, we've done nothing this morning. made breakfast, blasted With The Lights Out by Nirvana, which i am absolutly loveing to death!!!! yep yep yep. waiting for nick to come by.
but yeah clearly dont have much to say..i'm repeating myself so i'm going.
bye bye

LunaNina

2004-12-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

holiday:: Happy
fault:: Guilt
beep:: Message
bubble:: bath
needle:: addict
fare::
treat:: special
express:: emotion
webcam:: whore
capital:: letter

leave me a comment or sign the guestbook :)

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-25T16:42:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!
so i'm actually spending the day cleaning, just taking a break. deleted some entries, left some i probably should've deleted. but i'm an idiot, i sent this thing to EVERYONE. but i was excited, works of crap is finally back! :) but whatever. i'm a loser.
i had a good christmas. spent christmas eve with nick and his family and tiffany, my mom was throwing up so she stayed home. i couldnt believe it, nick got me this BEAUTIFUL leather jacket, and the Nirvana box set [from his family] :::jumps with joy:::: and from my parents i got "How to dismantle an Atomic Bomb" by U2, Lord of the Rings, Return of the King extended/special version. I got Gone with the Wind, and Mary Poppins 40th anniversy addition :) i also got new sheets for my bed, a jean jumper/overalls thing, and a nifty chair for my room. and dinner was good last night, and fun.
but yeah, things are alright. Nicks birthday was..interesting. we got rear-ended. my right side [back neck and shoulder] hurt. went and saw National Treasure, which was okay. not great but okay. Now that Nick's 18 it seems like hes gonna work as much as he can. he worked yesterday till 6 and then went back at midnight worked till 6am and then went back at 2 this afternoon, till ten i think.
blah blah. thats really it i think. catrina comes monday. i'm sleeping now, only because i'm passing out from exhaustion. but it works. i've been more pleasent because of it.
and now i must go, and clean. farewell.

Yippi!!

2004-12-23T13:53:00.000-08:00

Hurray!
my website is [basically] up and running!

and today is nick's birthday. happy birthday :)
i'm in a decently good mood today. dreamless sleep and an atm card. lol
go see my site, leave me comments. pretend you like it.

Love ya.

updating

2004-12-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

so, things are alright. feeling a bit more stable then i have, to be honest. just a little tired. but yeah, thats really it. nothings changed, i've just falsely put my mind at ease for now. this time of year is almost over, yay! i never do well this time of year. but its over. christmas is almost here, a long with nick's birthday, and catrina's arrival. hurray!!
thats really it. i'm boring tonight.

And the Thanks to Brandon....

2004-12-20T01:01:00.000-08:00

so.. i had an alright day. hung out with nick for a while this morning, then went with his dad, brandon and the exchange student from germany who's staying till june, Ralph, to pick up skydancer, the baby. it was cool, we talked the entire car ride, and it was all great and stuff, till Brandon had to go and be realistic. So, when nick goes to germany, whats gonna happen to you guys? are you gonna break up, are you going to stay together. wont it be awkward? what if he doesnt come back...blah blah blah. he went on and on randomly. and of course, he has a good point. but who wants to think of that now, especially since i'm, most of the time when not being controled by a horrid mood swing, happy. and i dont see an end, in the near sight. but god its a little less then a year away, who knows. thing can always change.
but i'm almost 99.9% sure he'll go, and that it'll be a really great experiance. and thats whats important.

but if he sells the baby, i'll cry and cry and cry

2004-12-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

So proud she was to die
It made us all ashamed
That what we cherished, so unknown
To her desire seemed.

So satisfied to go
Where none of us should be,
Immediately, that anguish stooped
Almost to jealousy.

- by Emily Dickinson

LunaNina

2004-12-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

Perfect Gift:: happiness and love
Santa:: Clause
Lucy:: I Love,
Buckets:: Feed,
Recital:: performance
Stamp:: postcard
Teacher:: pet
Matchbox:: Twenty
Spit:: up
Feeling:: emotional

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

one pause too long

2004-12-19T01:37:00.000-08:00

what a day. went to the horse auction, there where like, twenty horses there. lol. its was so empty. but it was fun. nick bought a horse. a baby horse. a baby boy. hes actually a yearling but hes still a baby. hes the most gorgeous thing i've ever laid my eyes on. and hes so sweet. nick named him skydancer, so i'll call him dancer for short. but god hes perfect. an absolutle gorgeous arabain. hes so pretty.
but the auction was c0ol it was nice to spend the day with nick . until i had it confirmed that he resents me. like it was okay when i was just thinking it, but to have it confirmed is a whole 'nother story. he said he doesnt hate me, or love me any less, but when asked if he resents me, there was a pause, hesitation and a real tiny no. he finds it hard to relate to me. so now what? he resents me. its that wonderful. what am i suppose to do about that? i guess you could say, i feel pretty sad, which in itself is sad considering that gorgeous thing nick bought for only $140. of course, he'll sell this perfect horse somewhere down the line, which is stupid and a shame because hes got perfect confirmation and hes sweet. but whatever. i'm resented. how much longer before he just doesnt like me anymore?
i'm tired. i must go to sleep now.

i cant take my eyes off of you..

2004-12-17T23:43:00.000-08:00

god i cant get this song out of my head. "the blowers daughter" by...D? something Rice? mayb.. lol. yes i forgot his name. but i love the song. its really awsome. so i had an alright day, soent some of it with nick, and found myself thinking wow, he doesnt like the way i am, the way i dress, just everything. then i relaxed, a little. felt a little bit better. cleaned my room, yay, something accomplished. blah. getting up early for the horse auction tomorrow, going nick and his dad. should be fun. except for the getting up part. i spend over half of the night staring at my ceiling and fall asleep early early morning, or i did so today. it was horrible. i cant sleep. blah.
found a new favorite site, a few actually. check them out [i'm spotlighting them..thier awsome!]:
Plasticastle [absolutly beautiful]
Fall Into Blue [this one takes FOREVER to load, but its worth it]
Chemical Sleep [and this ones navigation are the stars, their kind of hard to work, but its awsome.]

and then of course, theirs our site :)

"Whats wrong with me?!" said the desparete drama queen.

2004-12-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

For fucking christs sakes! there is something so amazingly wrong with me, where do i begin? i mean, i'm sitting here, just yesterday saying how my boyfriend resents me. and now, not that fact has changed, he still resents me a little bit and it still hurts, but i got to spend the afternoon with him. watched Elf, which a horridly bad cute movie. he left me smiling. i'm like my fucking heart rate, up and down and all around and completely out of fucking whack. i've also over-anyalized about a thousand ways to talk to him about it, the resenting me, but nothing comes out of my mouth. i've come up with hundreds of coversations where i actually talk to him, much nicer but honestly like i do here. i mean, i'm honest with him. if he asks, i'll tell him. and eventually i usually tell him anyway. i have yet to talk about my grandfather or my trip to ny with the exception of rambling spirts which is spoken unusually fast. i havent said anything about my 'nightmares' just that i have them. and this is what evie used to be really good at, she would notice my tiny-est hint, and understand the need to talk and approach delecately and all that crap. i sound like i've got the mentality of a two year old. lovely.
but i dont know. i can picture just blurting whatever out to him, say everything i want to say and feel better. all in my head. when hes there my mouth never opens to say any of it. its stupid. stupid stupid stupid stupid. whats sad here is i had a good afternoon with him. i really did. i love seeing him and spending time with him. its just the comments he makes, their so small and insignifigant but they hit a nerve you know? i'm an idiot. a tired idiot who would like to sleep, just one night through. just one......

Feeling Cold

2004-12-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

I dont know quite how to explain how i feel. cold seems to cover it all. cold all over and in every way. oh and i hate winter. and even christmas. this time of year despresses me. i have no money to buy anything and all that happens around this house is my dad is always unhappy. i just feel sad, tired and drained. i still have not slept well, its been a week now. not one night now with out horrid dreams. i've become fairly because my family/friends treats me like i've dropped out [with maybe, two exceptions] i mean, for christs sake, even my boyfriend fucking resents me, even if it is just a little, he resents me because i sit around at home and he has to motivate and force himself to get up everymorning, go to school, to go swim practice, go to work. and he hates that i do nothing. he resents me for it and it shows and it hurts. all the comments he makes. hes just like everyone else if not, god help me, worse then anyone else. i think coming from him, it hurts worse then anyone else. i mean he doesnt treat me like i've dropped out or anything but he constantly likes to remind me i'm sitting around the house, sleeping in even, still cant get a job, failing to get an interview or a call back. i'm just so tired. its made me quite emotional and as many would put the drama queen. almost every subject i've gotten either teary or really heated up over. i just feel so unwanted and so ..unpretty. i feel like shit.
but on the upside.. catrina will be here soon...

LunaNina

2004-12-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

Plot:: nessesary
Farce::
Unexpected:: surprise
Siren:: whore
Ben:: Big,
Freshman:: interesting
Quicksand:: beneath
24 hours:: ..left
Spunky:: playful
Vicious:: cruel

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

Queen of Nightmares

2004-12-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

so, i am a loser. i have nightmares. sometimes often sometimes less. in new york i had nightmares, plus i slept on that pull out matress from the old couch, by my own idiot choice, and that was a nightmare all in itself. but i had nightmares. i had a nightmare on the plane. wemt to sleep in my own bed and slept like a baby. but last night, i had a horrid horrid nightmare. and i was sad and tired all day. i even cried. it was very bad. i'm so tired and drained again. the only time i sleep is when nicks next to me, and its only for very short periods of time, like an hour or thirty minutes or so. but thats the only time i seem to be able to sleep now. atleast well. and i think i may have freaked out on him yesterday on accident. just a stupid spastic kind of idiot thing. but i freaked out. and i dont think i covered it well. it was just really really stupid. but yeah. swim season has started so i dont know how often i'll see him now. he had a concert tonight, wish i could've gone.
tomorrow i go to the doctors to find out my results. they could just tell me over the phone instead of wasting my time. i dont want to be back on meds, i really really dont. i'll probably cry if they put me back on meds. for a really really long time, i'll just cry and cry and cry. and take them because theres no other way i'll be able to drive. blah.
so yeah today to try and relax i soaked in the bathtub for an hour listening to the Goo Goo Dolls live, with candles and my book. thats where i cried. but the book is really good.
i also talked to evie for over fourty minutes. trying to see if she'll come over while catrina is here for a day. dont know if she will. and nick will have to disappear which i hate. i never liked many of her bf's but i put up with them. smiles and all. it does help that he hates her too. but yeah
lif e is good and stuff just haveing a crappy day and sleepless nights.
tis all. all will be well again soon.
goodnight.

i'm back

2004-12-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

well i've returned. i'm back. and so happy to be so. the trip went okay. i feel guilty though, so does my dad. worse then before. blah. that house is so depressing. its just sad. maybe i'll have more to say later

LunaNina

2004-12-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

Delightful:: Wonderful
Impact:: serious
Consolation:: bad
Donation:: Kindness
Blue moon:: once in a..
Grinner:: frowner
Smoker:: lung cancer
Muse:: Moira, the
Tweet:: bird
Guitar:: strings

http://subliminal.lunanina.com

Today until Tomorrow.

2004-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

hello.
today i get a day by myself, which i've learned to enjoy. after all the dog sitting, alone time isnt so bad. i'm submitting a shit load of photography i've done to my diviantART page. i'm sad though because my printer isnt working as of now so i cant scan any of my new photos, like Strawberry Feilds in Central Park :( oh well, hopefully when i come home it will be hooked-up.
so i leave tonight, red-eye flight that departs at midnight. i can already feel the jet lag i'll experiance from a six hour time change all for a day and a half. i'm sure i'll be making calls when needed so try and keep a phone handy.
anyway thats really it, i'm gonna go soak in the tub and read my book. then i get to go and buy my baby holly a blanket. yay.
farewell, until Tuesday i think.

A Series of Wonderful Days

2004-12-03T23:48:00.000-08:00

the last three days have been wonderful. positivly wonderful. i dont know how to describe it. but today nick smiled at me and said he loved being with me. there is no words to form how wonderful that made me feel. i could go on and on but i still wouldnt describe it right. its so weird because nothing is different from when he left but there is. on the chance of sounding childish, its like theres something there that wasnt there before. [yes beauty and the beast.] but yeah. i just feel happy. a part of me is waiting for the ground to give out and everything will come crashing down, but a bigger part of me, which is really strange because its usually the other way around, feels like this is it, some kind of unreachable perfect and happiness, and that part of me doesnt see or feel an end. i sound ridiculous huh? oh well.
what is sad is nick is looking to sell stretch :(
See Here
and thats sad.
also i leave for new york tomorrow night. wahoo. so exciting. only two days. blah.
well i made a photography diviantART page. check it out, along with my other one. [i'm pretending other people read this]
Photography
Lousy Art

Wonderful

2004-12-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

I had an absolutly wonderful day its undescribable. it was just such a wonderful day and i'm so happy. it was perfect and it couldnt have been better. i had a wonderful romantic day and nothing is going to ruin it for me. so tonight, no complaining. just perfect.
also, updated my diviantART site. go and check it out. its lousy stuff.
http://vibrantdarkness.deviantart.com/

So for the real post

2004-11-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

so yeah, dont really have much to say. today is just one of those days where i dont feel worth much. it happens. i'll live. so the hose was frozen and broke this morning so i could refill the horses water. luckily theres an extra one. the fence is falling down. i'm running out of food. the blanket nick got me on ebay isnt going to work so i have to buy holly another blanket which costs 70 to 100 bucks. i'm so desparate for money i'm selling my breyer horses on ebay. i dont feel good so i've been yelling at the dogs constantly. i just feel blah. i want nick to come home. i dont want to go to new york. all i want to do is go to bed and hide under my covers and stay there. blah blah blah blah.

What else is New?

2004-11-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

So, not to be like everyone else, because only person reads this blog, but ask me six questions, any questions you want, and i'll answer.
now that thats out of the the way, lol. i dont know. still feeling sad. i want nick to come home. its so funny because i know i have lots of things to say, ya know, to complain about and yet when i have someone to talk to i talk about soaps. thats why i always hate the phone. i can never complain quite as well as i can in person. its not like anything is REALLY wrong. i just want to talk and cry about things. i dont know. sigh. i think i need more friends or something.
i guess thats all.
goodnight

Finally

2004-11-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

check it out. i can finally update this crappy thing. hurray! So yeah. nothing really new. Went to the hospital, had 26 wires super glued to my head. that sucked. today went out to drop off applications, took nick's puppies with me. i cant wait till he comes home, first of all, so i dont have to keep hearing it from my mother about how i'm taking advantage of her by having her drive me everywhere. doesnt matter to her that their paying me $200. i need money so bad. i'm selling 25 of my breyer horses on Ebay.
blah. feeling kind of sad. i want nick to come home :( thats about it. all that impatiant waiting to update and today i dont have much to say. amazing huh?
bye bye

Mad Girl's Love Song

2004-11-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

hello. feeling a little better today. no crying, less .. desparete and freaked and alone. just a little tired and a little blah. spent some time with nick though, asked him a foolish question which i think may have been hurtful, which was not the intention. just something random that was on my mind, i feel stupid now. but it was good afternoon, even though i ironed for him out of the kindness of my heart. i'm looking foward to spending tomorrow afternoon with him and wensday if possible before he leaves. which i'm still sad about but i figure that gives me three weeks to either make myself get better and set my aching mind at ease and just tune out all the problems that are getting to me, or have a breakdown. but i think i'll be okay. i'm feeling good about it. even though i feel like shit it feels like everything will be okay. thats what i'm hoping. and i hate worrying people and i know, the only one who reads this was worried. but i promise if i'm not okay you'll be the first to know and your advice will be taken.
but yeah finished The Pillars of the World, it was wonderful. aching to read the next in the series but till then i picked up Silvia Plath's The Bell Jar. but i found a poem by her in the book and felt like sharing. its really really nifty. i have a favorite line, can you guess what it is?

Mad Girl's Love Song
A Villanelle
by Silvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,
i lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think i made you up inside my head)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
abd arbutrary blackness gallops in;
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
and sung me moon-struck, kiseed me quite insane
(i think i made you up inside my head)

God topples from the sky, hells fires fade:
Exit seraphim and satan's men:
i shut my eyes and the world drops dead

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
but i grow old and i forget your name
(i think i made you up inside my head)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
at least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and the world drops dead
(i think i made you up inside my head)

so yeah. anyways. kind of sad no one sees this blog but its also kind of good. only one person knows, and thats enough.
farewelll and goodnight

Tears, Tears, and more tears.

2004-11-14T23:07:00.000-08:00

my goodness my eyes hurt. I've been crying so much its ridiculous. But my dad was such an ass today with all the screaming and the yelling and the hating life and every part of it just. It hasn't been so bad in a long while. And I did lots of crying. Lots and lots of it. And when I was suppose to go with nick to the feed store [again] I said I couldn't go and then ten minutes later had my mom drive me to the horses where I met him. We fed the horses and then, brought me home again. The point of leaving was to get away to be with someone to talk to. But he had homework to do so he can go away for three weeks. Idlest he's doing his homework I cant be upset with him for that. But I just wanted to get out of the house and stay out and talk with someone. And then I convinced myself I didn't want to talk so I didn't call anyone. I just went to my room and read my book [which is amazing, I'm almost finished. The Pillars of the World by Anne Bishop. Absolutely wonderful!] but yeah I was disappointed. But I also didn't want to ruin his happiness because he's excited about going so like I said I convinced myself I didn't want to talk. Of course I was crying but I didn't want to go home so that couldn't be helped. But yeah. I feel like crap. I just want to leave. I want to go as far away as possible. And I'd probably go back to my counselor if i though we could afford it. but we cant. so i wont ask. i will just be in denial and pretend life is okay.
i was happy i really was. go back on my livejournal you'll find the happy entries. what the fuck happened? i feel like ripping myself apart and would probably do so but i am too tired too and i only have eight pages to go before i finish my book. so i wont.
goodnight

Sad Songs and Waltzes

2004-11-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

not like i'm listening to cake but it just makes for a good title. because i am listening to sad songs. i'm sad. not really sad so much as drained and frustrated. its feels like every word that has come out of my mouth today either came out wrong or just pissed people off. or both. i feel hopelessly lost desparetely wanting to be found if that makes sense. i havent been able to sleep and even though some of the credit goes to the grudge which i saw saturday night with tiffany, i was having trouble sleeping before that. although i can take the best naps lying next to nick. But i feel like shit. someone is always screaming at me here, i never know what to say when i should say something comforting, i actually havent said anything right it feels like in forever.
but i'm writing. my lousy, self-involved, creativitiy is back. isnt that nice. i dont know what it is, this time of year, all the screaming, stress, the always-getting-larger-debt to nick. it feels like 80% of the time we're argueing about something.we usually argue once a day about something. well, not so much argue as disagree. i hate it. i think it would be better if i just didnt open my mouth.silence is better.and god at home all everyone does is scream. my dad is absolutly unbearable and my mother is so fucking random. i have a perminit dull headache in the back of my head from all the screaming. i hate it. so yeah, i just feel sad. and maybe it is this time of year, its seems the last two years, around this time is when my mood,and everything else goes bad. i'm just fucked up. i make everything so much more complicated then i need too. its stupid. stupid, stupid stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
but yeah. i really just wish words would come out of my mouth without offending people or making them mad.i'm tired of the arguing, the screaming, the disagreeing.i'm tired of feeling hopeless, lost and i dare say even alone. blah. atleast my writing is decent again.

Back Online.

2004-11-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

well i've returned once again. my internet sucks so badly. like most everything else. i dont feel right, i feel all blah still. for a day and a half i was feeling fine [yesterday] like everything was okay and now i feel like shit again. and its not just the yelling, i felt wrong before that started. but whatever. i'm so stressed i can almost litterally feel the weight of it slowly crushing me to death.
the election went horrid. but i'm not moving to canada, i'll just have to hope that because of medical reasons they cant draft me.
i get to take care of my heart shit tomorrow and will hopefully never have to even think of that doctor again.
i'm thinking about going back to my shrink, thats how low i'm starting to feel. just slipping away.
whatever...

Hello Again

2004-10-31T23:17:00.000-08:00

Got my internet back up, sort of. it took an hour or so to get on but i kept myself occupied and watched dead like me downstairs. Everything is good, like theres nothing wrong. but i dont feel very good. i feel very blah. i feel tired and worn out and i've been overly emotional, defensive and irritatable. and its like my brain is no longer doing its proper fuctions. when someone says something that just annoys me or upsets me or insult me, i cry. my brain isnt telling me to cry. i know theres no reason to cry. but i cry anyway. and when i'm really really hungry and i have food in front of me and i'm eating it, i get all sick to my stomach and it all just seems unappitizing. my mom thinks i'm just stressed about all this doctor bullshit i have to put up with. This Friday i go to the heart doctor, and then in two weeks i have to spend 48 hours in the hospital for my videoEEG. i dont know. i mean, it seems like a reasonable reason for being so ..whatever. things are good. i own two horses, i have nick, i have friends, i have a roof over my head, food to eat [of course no heat because the heaters broken] of course i'm also fairly bored. i want to go back to school. i hate sitting around the house. feeling useless. not even just useless anymore, now i feel like everybody just looks at me like a complete loser. i cant get a job, still dont have my lisence. i sit around the house all day watching soaps and the wb. so i feel low. and not well. not sick, like having the flu, but not well.
i cant wait for tuesday to come and go already. my dad is even taking the day off. [hes been off, saturday, sunday, tomorrow and most likely tuesday] hes really stressed, which causes everyone to be stressed around him. i just hope things go the way everyone wants it to go, as opposed to what will most likely happen. i hate politics. and i hate the voting age limit. its rude.
so yeah. i dont know. maybe i am just stressed over the doctors or maybe i'm getting sick or whatever. or maybe i'm still pmsing even though thats now gone, thank god. i'm so fricken emotionally drained its irritating. i almost want to lock myself in my room and stay there until i feel better so i dont cry over something stupid again. i'm annoying everyone i know. i'm annoying me most of all. but whatever. life is well, and when i am well, i will appriciate it and love it because it cant get any better then it is. i just need to feel better. so i'm going to try and sleep now, goodnight.
oh, and Happy Halloween.

hello

2004-10-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

just a fast update.
i just found out that its that time of the month. i should not have it. but it explains why i've been so cranky and emotional and blah. Growl.
still on vicodin. i was feeling better but i had to run across the street and i hurt again.
November 22 i spent 48 hours in the hospital for my Video EEG. this could result in no meds. yay!
got myself a second horse today. i now own two horses. all my very own. another one! she was free, and with accessories. she cames with a lead rope, halter, fly mask, blanket, hay, grain and transportation. all for $25 [that was for the transportation] nifty huh?
Her name is Whisper. shes 22 years old. Shes the same color as Holly, the same size as Holly, she has black hooves like Holly, and shes the same breed as Holly. isnt that funny?
Nick will be transporting his horse[s] Sunday. Stretch, who he's had for over a month, and a possible Cleveland Bay Warmblood mare, named Zoe. possibley. shes free too. lol. so four horses in all. nifty nifty.
so, i dont think i feel good. like besides being sore. i feel blah. but it could just be that time of the month that shouldnt be here. oh wells. bye bye

Why is there always something wrong with ME?

2004-10-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

why why why. Why me. The doctors office called today, my nurologist aka my head doctor. they found something in my EEG and my doctor is concerned. So my mom is calling tomorrow to schedule a Video EEG. which is where i would spend a few days in the hospital all hooked up to wires and shit and be observed. I'm sure it goes without saying how unhappy i am about this. this means something is once again wrong with me and this will equal more medication. and this equals alful evil bad!
but yeah. that sucks. Apparently they found a home for my grandfather to go to. its run by nuns. this brings me to a question. WHY? and my grandmother is going in for surgery but no one knows whats wrong. or no ones telling me. whichever.
but on the happy side, i spent the afternoon with nick. it was a really good afternoon. i like spending the afternoon with him. we took a nap. it was nice. we also went to see Stretch, Nick's horse. he's finally stopped limping. As for my horse when my back feels better, which its kind of starting too, i have to work her out alot. she needs so much work its not even funny. but its okay. i know i can get her where i want her too be. Nick and I are going to look at a Free horse tomorrow in Roy. that will be fun.
blah. i'm just so bitter when it comes to doctors and medication. i cant help it. i have one regular doctor and three specialists and a counsler who i havent seen in months. but thats because i've been happy until now. i really have. i'm still a bit moody, which being on vicodin has made me into a very tired bitchy person. but i've been happy over all. things are good. and now i have to go to the hospital for a few days. i have to be reminded that theres still something wrong with me.
and thats not counting the heart appointment i have on the fifth on November.
I HATE DOCTORS! I HATE MEDICATION! I HATE BEING FUCKED UP. PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY!
I HATE IT I HATE I HATE IT!

Vicodin Vicodin Vicodin

2004-10-27T01:11:00.000-07:00

My new bestfriend.
anyway, my last entry wasn't very interesting. Just felt like being creative. Now its gone. So for a real update.
my weekend was cool, and very funny I'll keep things short. Friday was a bit of a blue, felt like Thursday still. I went to the doctor and finally got to sleep with wires attached to my head :(
went home and slept until about five. Went out with Tiffany to Applebees and then to a play called "the constant wife" @ PLU. It was a hilarious play! Then Saturday nick and I went to work on Liz's barn. Spent most of the day there. Went back to his house to have to hide in his closet and sneak out of his house with him. You had to be there to understand that at the time, it was not funny. Then nick and I waited till ten at night to dump all the wood out of his truck illegally. Sunday went back out and worked at Liz's. worked with Holly, got bucked off Holly. This old lady from next door? came out to see if i was okay, with a phone behind her back ready to call 911. Went back to Nick's house, where i watched Days of our Lives with his mom and then The Prince and Me. Then before taking me home we went to dump more wood, once again illegally. but this time we got the car stuck in the gravel and had to call his dad for help. it was funny. reallly funny.
So i bought a horse. i dont think i've mentioned that yet. My dad doesnt know though, so everyone keep it that way. Her name is Holly, and shes a flea-bitten grey. very pretty, and small with a bucking problem. but shes mine. mine mine mine mine mine!!
but i went to the doctors on monday [re-scheduled my heart app.] He gave me Vicodin and Muscle relaxers. but if i still feel as bad as i do now i go for x-rays on friday where he knows he'll tell me i fractured my spine. my dad does not know this information either. so shhh.
but yeah, i guess all is well with the exception of my pain. everything is well for once. and i am happy. and on vicodin. :)
night.

Creating New Memories Somewhere New

2004-10-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

The Damage has faded.
it comes still at times, haunting my sleepless nights.
but the damage has nearly pasted. Theres nothing really left to fear, nothing left to hide from.
The Damage has faded.
its so much less then it once was. But now i see, the same damage i once saw in mine.
i see the hopeless thoughts in your mind,i see the constant sadness in your eyes
My damage is nearly gone, yours is starting to begin.
and though i would gladly take it back, i dont know how to remove the sadness i see,
the hopeless thoughts.
i cant make them fade for you. and i feel the helpless thoughts once again, i feel the tears breaking through my eyes,
and what was faded that was contagious is finding its way back to me, without leaving you.

So Welcome to my New Blog.
Now i must take my leave and go to bed. For my painkillers are only makeing me tired.
Goodnight.